Others Strengths vs Our Weaknesses

The weekend was a little heated, not by the weather but a conversation that we found ourselves in. It makes one wonder - does it help someone if you keep comparing and make yourself feel bad by pitting your weaknesses against others' strengths?

Just on Sunday, a relative told us that a friend's grandchild who is Kieona's age could recite Chinese Tang poems. Naturally, Mommy went "Oh, isn't the child smart?" The person went on to discuss about teaching a young child languages and all, and that we "must" read and make Kieona recite the Chinese Tang poems so that she knows. Mommy wanted to just end the conversation as I didn't see it getting anywhere, but then this person brought it up to Daddy's attention and that's where it got a little out of hand.

Because of the insistence, Daddy actually felt compelled to protect his children like all parents will. So he brought up the fact that Kieona was able to swim for short distances and get out of the water to breathe by herself. Then Mommy felt compelled to add that she is able to read some Chinese characters and play a simple tune on the electone. The person went, "Are you sure?" Then as Kieona and Kierra were scribbling in one corner and it was brought to his attention that Kieona can write her own name as well as Kierra's, he went "Really? Let me see.", took up the paper and went "where? Is it correct?".

As Chinese, we talk about modesty but we felt it really need not go beyond putting down our own strengths just to let others look better. For example if we really have to compare, does the same child who can recite Chinese Tang poems swim? Can he play the electone or recognize the Chinese characters? We were then lectured that a young kid should not learn to write characters. While we do agree that languages start with listening and speaking, must we stop a child from writing if this is what she is interested in and learns best? It certainly didn't make a lot of sense to us. When all these didn't get through, it was implied that we have to teach our kids. I certainly don't think he is in the position to comment, since there really is no need for us to justify what and how we teach our kids. We recognize that all kids are different and all families different, so we have generally preferred to kept our mouths shut where the topic of how people bring up their kids is broached.

Although the conversation was ended abruptly, the damage has already been done. Kieona actually went home and while I was trying out her electone pieces, she ran into the room and came out with her Chinese folder. She wanted to show me the Chinese poems she learnt in the Chinese class but she ended up sobbing, telling me "everything also I don't know". It broke my heart. I explained I love her for being her and furthermore she already knows a lot of things and we're really proud of her achievements. I thought nothing more of that, until she started sobbing again while having her teeth brushed that night. Then she told me that she is not good and cannot learn everything.

Hearing that makes Mommy feel so lousy and heartbroken. I just hugged and kissed her, and tell her it all didn't matter. As long as she keeps trying, her achievements are the only yardsticks she should ever measure herself against. There is no point getting upset by comparing our weaknesses against someone else's strengths. We should be proud of our own achievements and be acknowledge that everyone has different strengths.

Lessons learnt:
(1) Never pit your weaknesses against someone strengths. You will never feel good.
(2) Only give your comments if you can help someone, and save your comments if you have nothing positive to contribute. You may affect someone's (a young child) self-esteem.
(3) Never let what you hear affect you. Try to manage the noise.
(4) Believe in yourself. You are really better than you think.
(5) Love knows no boundaries. This episode makes Mommy more aware than we will love our children the way they are, even if they are not geniuses.
(6) All parents care for their children, but there is a difference between encouragement and recognizing their strengths, instead of focusing on their weaknesses.
(7) Never put a child down. Any side-effects may not be immediate, but it definitely hurts their self-esteems. This can have a long-lasting effect.
(8) It is ok to feel proud of your own child's acheivements (and you should always be proud of your child), but it is not ok to keep boasting. Imagine how it will be used as a yardstick for someone else's child and hurt that child's self-esteem.